Abandonment and Borderline Personality Disorder

Physically and emotional sides of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

Well, kids.  It happened.  I pushed too hard, wanted too much, and was too needy.  And now the woman that I love more than anyone I’ve ever met, the woman who still wanted to be my friend, has vowed to never speak to me again… for my own good.

Physically and emotional ides about Borderline Personality DisorderHer therapist said that even continuing to speak with me was “cruel,” as I was still trying to get our relationship back and “would never stop.”  And her therapist was right.  And I’m still not stopping, but neither am I speaking.  I’m giving her the space I should have given her almost two months ago.

As of this writing, it’s been five days since I’ve had any communication with “Justine.”  My therapist said it would benefit me to “become fascinated” with the feeling and really analyze it.  That way, I’m not just passively feeling things, but getting my brain involved, too.  So here goes.

Physically, not talking to her feels like:

1.  An itch that is unscratchable.  An itch on the inside of my skin.  Mostly in my arms and chest.

2.  A python wrapped around my chest and slowly squeezing the breath from me.  Taking deep breaths results in my lungs “shuddering.”

3.  My guts are trying to digest themselves.  Everything inside of me squishes and sloshes like I’m nothing more than a thin plastic coating around a cold liquid.

4.  An icepick buried into my heart.  Not metaphorically speaking, but literally.  During the worst of it, I feel like I’ve been stabbed about eleven times.  The only thing that’s missing is the mess.

5.  Partial paralysis.  My hands and feet are so heavy I have to drag them wherever I go.

6.  Chugging about a dozen energy drinks.  I shake.  I twitch.  And I most certainly can’t sleep.

Now let’s examine the emotional side of things.  Emotionally, not talking to her feels like:

1.  Living death—I breathe.  I eat (a little). I wake up in the morning.  But why?  What’s the point of it all?

2.  Happiness is gone forever—I’ve had some good moments these last few days.  For example, I just got the coolest new apartment ever in the coolest town ever.  The first person I want to tell is Justine.  But I can’t tell Justine.  So there goes that happiness.  Also, I just got my script back from the director.  With a little polish from me, it’s going to five different producers, and I mean BIG producers, so my little movie that was originally written to be shot for around fifty thousand MIGHT get a budget between 10 and 20 million.  Guess who I want to tell about that?  Guess who I can’t.  So again… what’s the point of it all?  Money really CAN’T buy happiness.

3.  No matter how bad it is, it will continue to get worse—once I’m back in the day to day grind without all of these amazing things happening, I won’t even get my little bursts of happiness.  So again… what’s the damned point?

And that’s where I am now, oh my brothers and sisters in arms.  Now that she’s gone, what is the point?

The point is that time heals all wounds.  Today was a little better than yesterday, which was a little better than the day before, which was infinitely better than last Wednesday when I said my final goodbye to her.

But I have to wonder if it is indeed final.  Is it REALLY forever, or just forever for now?

I believe I suffer from a much worse disease than Borderline Personality Disorder, my friends.  I suffer from one of the worst diseases of them all.

I suffer from Hope.

Your brother in arms,

-Bruce

Read more from Bruce Anderson here: How I Became the Freak in the Corner

(A page that tells his story from the beginning and has links to several of his articles – Starting with bipolarity and ending with borderline personality disorder)

Abandonment and Borderline Personality Disorder: How it Feels


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5 thoughts on “Abandonment and Borderline Personality Disorder

  1. […] Borderline Personality Disorder is not a well-known disorder and is highly stigmatized, with many people unwilling to disclose the condition. It is characterized by severe abandonment issues, risky behavior, personal identity issues, rapid changes in an emotional level, and high potential for self-harm. Treatment is largely comprised of behavioral therapy. However, some patients receive medication for other psychiatric disorders that may improve BPD symptoms. There is also some thought that medication treatment may be useful in Borderline Personality Disorder. However, no drugs are approved to treat the condition. […]

  2. […] it’s not just our own boundaries people with BPD have problems with, but respecting the boundaries of others, too.   Here’s an example of what I […]

  3. I wanted to say thanks for linking to my blog post about Dabrowski’s work…and thank you for sharing what this experience felt like for you.

    I can’t say much, but let’s suffice it to say I can relate, very much, not only to the content of this post, but the fact that your name is Bruce, too. I was completely floored by that. I had to re-read this a few times before it really sank in that you weren’t the Bruce I knew….

    I wish you peace and good luck with the movie script budget. I hope you get what you need to make it great!

    Casey

    • Hi Casey!

      Judging from your words – the author of this article might be the “Bruce” that you knew after all! (I can`t say so much either, sorry) 😉

      Thanks for commenting! 🙂

  4. […] Abandonment and Borderline Personality Disorder: How it Feels. […]

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