Recovery and Roadblocks with Borderline Personality Disorder, Part II
So, when we left our hero (me) last week, I had been dumped by my girlfriend, was incredibly depressed, got on a dating site, found four smoking hot ladies who wanted to meet me within a week, had another friend who wanted to introduce me to her smoking hot friend that’s ten years younger than me, and managed to pull off the Holy Grail of masculine seduction: I got the phone number for a stripper while she was working!
So no problems, right? WRONG. It’s a very, very big problem. If I was capable of casual sex, I’d have been in hog heaven, especially with the stripper girl (they really are as good in bed as you think they are).
But for me, sex is about love. And love, REAL love, takes time.
See, I had been in a committed, stable and loving relationship for three years. Sure, it was long distance, but this woman really cared about me (still does) and I really cared about her (still do). But rather than heal from the break, I immediately set out to “fill the void she left.” But here’s the kicker. That hole in me? That was there long before she left. Chances are, it’s part of the reason why she left to begin with.
But that hole hurts so much when it’s empty, you just gotta fill it. Well, hooking up with any of those women would be just as effective as slapping a Hello Kitty Band-Aid on a sucking chest wound.
You see, I don’t know any of those women from the dating site. I’ve never met my friend’s friend in person. And after having been married to an exotic dancer once before, I know better than to get involved with another one. I have no reason to love any of those women. But within a week of meeting any of them, I’d have slept with them (I’m attractive, charming… and manipulative), and I would have made up a reason to instantly be in love with any one of them.
I’ve done it before, well, with every woman I’ve ever been with except this last one. That one took time. The relationship developed slowly. If she wasn’t the right woman for me (something I’m still not prepared to admit), then I at least went about things the right way with her.
Remember that I promised news about my Borderline Personality Disorder that shocks even me? Well here it is:
I shut down my dating site account. And some of you guys out there are going to think I’m the dumbest man on earth, but I deleted the stripper’s phone number, too. Sorry, ladies. It’s not that I’m not interested. It’s that I’m too interested. Not in you, but in filling the hole.
And right now, I’m poison, baby. Which, in a sick sort of way, makes me even sexier to some women. Chances are, they’ll stumble across this blog for the same reasons you’re reading it and I’m writing it. Because women who dig the damaged guys are probably damaged themselves. Like attracts like, remember?
All hooking up with someone this soon after a breakup would do would be to continue the cycle. You gotta hurt to heal, and in my case, it means I have to be alone. And that absolutely terrifies me. But I’m gonna do it. I don’t feel like a “whole person” right now, but I realize, at least on an intellectual level, that no other person can “complete” me. Only I can complete myself.
So if you’ve got BPD, chances are you’re hurting right now. Just know you’re not the only one. You got me, kiddies. I’m right there in the trenches with you. I know it’s cold comfort, but it’s all I can offer at the moment.
Your brother in arms,
Read more from Bruce Anderson here: How I Became the Freak in the Corner
(A page that tells his story from the beginning and has links to several of his mental health related articles)